White lines will bring me home
by cinderella1890
Summary: Tommy is back. And although Jude has moved on, is there still hope for them?
1. Chapter 1

Dear journal,  
Man I haven't written in forever. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Why'd he leave? Not even telling me where he was planning on going. How could he think that I wouldn't care. He knows I can't function right without him. Yet again hurricane Tommy brushes through my world completely changing it. How could I let myself fall for him again? I thought we were actually reaching a breakthrough. But here I go again. Wrong like always. Here I am brokenhearted. When will I learn. I just want to break from this hold he has on me. It's always he kisses me then leaves. I wonder when he'll come back. I refuse to believe he's gone completely. Not from me at least. How could I have spent all this time with him and not even see this coming. It's been only 2 days and I miss him like crazy already. I know my c.d is already in the bag and we're all free to take a break. But he did not give me a nice formal goodbye. I wonder where he is right now and what he's doing I hope he's ok.  
-------------------------------------   
Tommy sat on a swing chair in the front porch of the Montana ranch. He stared out to the trees. Natures aroma rising his senses. _This has been a crazy 2 days_he thought to himself. His mind soon drifted off to Jude. Shye seemed to be the star of his thoughts these days._She probably hates me right about now. I left her hanging. I know I couldn't have told her anything anyways. But I shouldn't have left her the way I had did. Man, the look on her face when I got in the car. I couldn't look back. I couldn't give her a hug. Because if I did I wouldn't be doing what I'm supposed to do. I wish I knew how she is doing. That she's not moping around like a complete wreck. But she knows I'll be back. Someday..._   
--------------------------------------   
Jude was laying in her bed writing lyrics humming a beat to the words. 

My heart is hanging on string.  
I don't know what the future may bring.  
Hope is dangling on thread.  
Everynight I cry and just lay in bed.

I keep trying to go on without you.  
Don't know if I can pull through.

Heart is made of glass.  
Don't think the sadness will pass.  
I keep telling myself not to feel the way I do.  
Lonely days so blue.  
I just want one glimpse of you. Haven't seen your smile.  
My heart is so fragile.

Her thoughts were stopped by a knock on the door. " Come in" Jude said  
"hey little sister" Sadie said walking in  
"Thought you were going to hang out with Portia"  
" I am. I just wanted to see how you were holding up before I left"   
" I'm fine so you can go out and have fun now" Jude said picking up her notebook.  
"you know you can come if you want to" Sadie suggested  
"Really?"   
"of course. Get dressed" she said pulling Judes arm  
"Ok. Ok hold on I'm getting up" she said getting off the bed. Sadie smiled and walked out of the room. JUde got changed into some tathered jeans and a white wife beat that had beaded glitter flowers on it. She put on her white chucks and ran downstairs. Sadie grabbed her purse and walked out to Sadies bug. "We're going to meet Portia at Cafe'Le" Sadie said getting in the car. Jude opened the door and slowly got in. They got to the cafe. Jude and Sadie saw Portia. They sat down at her table. Jude looked at Sadie then at Portia thinking._Hmm why did I agree to go?_. They ordered their drinks then Judes mind drifted off to Tommy as Sadie and Portia talked. _I just wish that he'd call me_ she thought as she looked down at her phone _It feels like he just evaporated of the face of the earth._ Jude looked up at Sadie and Portia sipping her cup acting like she was actually paying attention to what they were saying. She couldn't think about anything else. At the point she wished she had lost her memory. To just forget everything. The night of her record release and Tommy most of all. Sadie looked at Jude "Jude.." she said snapping her fingers in Judes face. "What?" Jude said perking her head up.  
"We're going to go meet some of Portias friends"  
"Umm I walk home and you two can go" Jude said taking one last sip of her coffee.  
" You sure"  
"Yea"   
"Alright" Sadie said walking away with Portia. Jude slowly walked home. She went straight upstairs and past out on her bed.   
------------------------------------   
A week later. Tommy was sitting on a chair next to a bed where an ill young woman is laying. A man walked into the room. "There's nothing we can do for her"  
"There's got to be something. Just keep trying. I'm not going to let Susan die"  
"It's just going to be the same as before. Nothing will turn her sickness around"  
The woman opened her eyes. "Tommy.."  
"Susan you're awake. He's going to try to save you"  
"Tommy he can't help me. This is in Gods hands now"  
"Susan don't talk like this"  
"I'm so happy that you're here helping me but there's nothing he can do. I know this for sure. I've known this for a long time"  
"Don't give up"  
"Thank you for being here Tommy you're such a great little brother" she said slowly closing her eyes  
"Susan" he said moving her arm. She didn't move. The man ran over to her and checked her pulse. He slowly shook his head. Tommy dropped his head in his hands. A little girl walked in. "Mommy" she said in a low tone.  
Tommy turned to her and got up. He picked her up and walked into the next room. He didn't want to see his niece see it. He too couldn't take to see it. A man who was crying walked to Tommy and picked up the little girl. "Thanks for being here Tom"  
"It's no problem Richard. I'm so sorry"  
"It's okay. At least I'm still here to take care of Susan and mines little girl"  
"I.." Tommy said starting to choke up "I'm going to get a drink of water". He didn't want to stay in the house. Everything his sister had touched. She was like his best friend. When his parents scolded him for being in the music industry she stuck by him and now she's gone.


	2. Chapter 2 JP

Tommy walked into the back patio. He leaned over the wooden railings. He wanted to cry. He just lost his sister he had a huge reason to. But he didn't want to seem like he wasn't strong enough to take it. He wanted to be the strong one for once. Susan had always taught him that even when it feels like life keeps throwing rocks just try to stick through it because it only would make him strong. When he had faced the problems and pressures of fame he fell apart now this time he didn't want to be the one falling apart. Richard and his niece Lily needed him to help them get through it. Tom was never exactly there for them all the much before because of his busy schedule and he wanted to change that. He didn't want to just come for a few days pick up and leave what type of person would he be to Lily. Richard would try to help Tommy in his times of needs he owed him this much at least. He figured that he should stay for awhile until everything had gotten settled. After he decided that his thoughts turned into Jude thoughts. At first he didn't intend on being away from her for months but with what just happened it seemed to him that he had to. He knew that Jude was pretty strong but once it came to him she was a wreck deep down. He knew that if he came back after a few months Jude would be furious with him and want nothing better than have nothing to do with him. He knew that eventually Jude would have a short burner with him and it would be much harder for her to forgive him after the few times he had already hurt her. But what could he do. His family needed him. He looked up at the sky and sighed. "She'll forgive me. Eventually" he said under his breath.

Jude was in her room strumming on her guitar singing random thoughts that had absolutely nothing to do with each other. She put down her guitar and picked up her diary.

Dear journal,

It's been a week and a half since Tommy left. Still haven't heard of his whereabouts. I don't even think Kwest knows. And that's truly new to me because Kwest knows ALL. Quiet a shocker. I miss Tommy. Who else is there to annoy the hell out of me other than Sadie. It kind of feels like I'm alone. Because Jamie isn't as much of a best friend to me anymore and Kat well that's all done and over with. I know Sadie is trying her hardest to try to help me fill in that void but I just don't know if that is going to work. I mean Tommy took the place of kind of being a best friend to me. And now that he's gone… I just don't know anymore. It hurts so much. The way Tommy said he was leaving. I just can't forget it. He felt so.. so… heartless. He heard me screaming my lungs out his name and not to leave. He didn't even care enough to look back not even once. Tommy.. he's such a confusing person. I wonder if I'll actually come to get him.

Sadie came walking in with a smile on, like always. "Guess what?" she said in a suspicious way

"Umm do I want to know?"

"Of course you do"

"Ok Sades what is it?"

"I got you a date"

" You have got to be kidding me"

"Does it look like I am?" Sadie said with a serious face on.

"Fine who is this guy?"

"His name is J.P and he is super hot" Sadie said with a smile looking through Jude's clothes for something cute she should wear.

"Wow that explains a lot" she said getting up. Sadie had taken out some faded low rider jeans. She went through Jude's shirts. "No" she said kept repeating as she pushed the shirts to the side in the closet. "This just isn't working" Sadie said heading for her room.

"What are you doing?"

"Picking you something to wear"

"I'm perfectly content with picking out my own clothes"

"Don't argue with me. I know what I'm doing"

"Ok fine." she said following her sister. Sadie went through her walk in closet and sifted through her shirts. She looked at Jude then went to where the dresses were. She looked back at Jude and squinted her eyes then back at the dresses. She picked out a white above the knee flowing summer dress that had pink and red colored flower. "Here" Sadie said giving it to Jude

"You're not being serious right?"

"I'm as serious as a heart attack. Come on it would look so cute on you."

Jude looked at Sadie a little skeptical "Fine." She said taking the dress and heading for her room. She put on the dress and looked at herself in the mirror for a good 5 minutes. _I can deal with this I guess. _She thought to herself. She curled her hair in light curls and put on white lacy looking flats. "You can come in now" she shouted out to Sadie. Sadie came in and smiled. "See I told you that it would look good"

" I suppose" Jude said taking one last look at herself. "He's going to be here in a few minutes"

"Ok" Jude said putting on a little mascara. She heard the doorbell ring and suddenly became nervous. "Oh my god he's here Jude" she said smiling walking downstairs. She opened the door and let him in. Jude took a deep breath and walked downstairs. She saw a cute blonde guy with clean cut hair, blue eyes, cleft chin, a nice smile, and dressed in a blue and white Ralph Lauren polo shirt and dark blue jeans. _Sadie was right. He is hot_ she thought to herself. She reached the bottom and looked at him. He smiled at her. Sadie said "This is my sister Jude. Jude this is J.P"

J.P put out his hand and Jude shook it. "Hi" he said. Jude smiled. "Well we should get going" J.P said. _I guess it's not going to be all that bad after all_ Jude thought heading for the door. She looked back at Sadie and smiled when he wasn't looking. Sadie did a small wave. "Bye guys"


	3. Chapter 3 Date

They approached the car and J.P opened the door for her. She smiled at him and got in. He shut the door. "Thank you" Jude said. He went around and got in. He started the car and drove off to where they were going to have their date. On the way there Jude decided to ask him a few questions "So… J.P, that's a nice name. Is it short for anything?"

"Yeah. John Paul. It's my first initial and middle."

"Okay. Cool. So where are you from?"

"California, but I just moved here a few months ago." He said looking at her wondering why she's asking all these questions.

"Where in California?"

"Laguna Beach"

"No way. Like Laguna Beach from the show?"

He began to laugh "Yea."

"Man, that place is way pretty"

"Hmm.. only the good part is"

"So where we going for this date?"

"Well I'm thinking movie then dinner after. Is that good for you?"

"Yeah that's just fine"

"Alright" he said pulling up to the parking lot. He got out and opened the door for her. Jude took his hand and got out. "Thanks" Jude said with a smile. They walked to the ticket booth. "So what movie do you want to see?"

"Hmm… how about The Lake House?"

"Alright" he said getting the tickets. They walked into the theatre and took their seats. "Umm do you want anything?" he asked getting up

"Popcorn extra butter please"

"Alright I'll be right back"

Jude laid her head against the chair till she felt a piece of popcorn hit her across the head. She brushed it off and kept looking straight at the screen. Then another piece of popcorn hit her. Jude got up and turned around she began to yell "Whoever is throwing popcorn at me please sto..Jamie…" she said looking at Jamie and Patsy. "Hello Jude. Ya know you make a better door than a window"

"Haha funny. What are you doing here I thought this whole date stuff just wasn't for you two? Especially a chick flick"

"Well it's not like we paid" Patsy said stuffing popcorn in her mouth

"That's bad"

"Well why are you here?" Jamie asked

"I'm on a date"

"With who?"

J.P came back and looked at Jamie as he gave Jude her popcorn. "Umm Jamie this is J.P. J.P this is Jamie and that over there is Patsy"

"Nice to meet you"

"Uh same here"

J.P looked at Jude and sat down. J.P looked at Jude "Whose that?"

"My best friend. He's much nicer than this I swear"

"It's okay. No worries."

"Yea… no worries" she said blowing air up to her bangs.

The movie began to start. And Jude could hear Patsy making snore noises in the back. Jude made a little laugh. J.P just ignored it and watched the movie. Jude looked at J.P and smiled. She thought _Man he really is cute. His eyes.. Man his eyes.. Hmm they look like Tommy's eyes. Wait. Wait. Can't think about Tommy. Forget about Tommy. I like this guys hair. He has really nice hair. He has military guy hair. Nice…. _ She smiled then looked back at the screen. The movie progressed to the middle. J.P put his arm around Jude. She looked up at him and smiled then turned back to the movie.

The movie ended and they began to slowly walk out of the movie. "Well that was an okay movie." J.P said

"Yeah." Jude said wiping her eyes

"I can't believe you cried though."

"C'mon J.P you do have to say it was a nice love story. Watch The Notebook and tell me it didn't make you cry"

"It was a nice love story but it's nothing to make me cry. And yeah I've seen The Notebook I was touched but I didn't cry"

"Guys and their pride. Makes me sick"

J.P laughed "Not true.. Well.. maybe alittle"

"I knew it."

"Well let's go get something to eat" he said opening the car door for her

"We shall" Jude said getting in


	4. Chapter 4 How ya doin?

**Sorry I haven't updated in almost forever.**

Meanwhile, Tommy was still outside. The sun had already set. He was sitting down on the porch steps thinking about the many things going on in his life. Wondering how he could ever keep seemingly strong. He looked behind him, he saw his brother in law and niece sitting down on a chair through the window. Everything made no sense to him anymore. Except maybe Jude. Now she was a different story. The only person he could connect with on a spiritual level. Although maybe she possibly hated him at that point. Tommy took his phone out of his pocket. Flipping it open. Seeing that yet again no calls from Jude. He went through his contact list and found Judes speed dial. Now all he had to do was press 1 and there yet again he'd hear her voice. -What are you waiting for? Just do it- Tommy soon pressed the button. After a few rings somebody picked up "Jude?"

"No this is Sadie. This Tommy?"

"Yea it is. Where's Jude?"

"She's on a date."

Tommy couldn't believe his ears. –Jude, on a date with somebody.-

"A date?" Tommy asked  
"Yea she's on a date. Why did you decide to finally call her now?"

"I wanted to talk to her."

"Well even if she did pick up she probably wouldn't want to talk to you anyway."

"Sadie just tell her I called okay?"

"Whatever" she said hanging up the phone. Tommy closed his phone. –A date? No way- he thought to himself.

Jude got in Johns car. He got in as well and started up the car "So where do you want to eat?" he asked.

Jude thought for a second "There's this really cool diner down the street."

"Alright." He said taking a turn out of the parking lot. A few minutes later they got to the diner. John got out and opened the door for her. Jude smiled as she slowly got out slowly taking his hand. Walking in with him with their fingers interlocked with each other.


	5. Chapter 5 Diner

**Sorry I haven't updated in FOREVER. SO SO SO Sorry. **

Jude and John walked into the diner then sat in a back booth. The diner was one of those roller skate old school 50's diners. The floors were pink and black checkers, the booths were black and pink, there were records on the walls and pictures of Elvis and James Dean, and the waitresses were wearing roller skates and pink uniforms with cat eye glasses. John sat across from Jude and smiled. Jude looked up from the table at him. "You know I'm really having a good time tonight. I didn't think I was at first but now I know that I was wrong." Jude said.

"Well it's glad to hear that because I'm having a good time too." John smiled.

Jude nodded. Her smile faded as she fiddled with her fingers a little bit not exactly knowing what else to say to him. There was just something really iffy and she didn't like the feeling. Really it had nothing to do with John but with her.

John looked at her "What's wrong?" he asked seeing the expression on her face.

"Nothing." She said shaking her head.

"You're lying. Come on you can tell me."

"Seriously, I'm fine. What gave the impression that something was wrong?" she asked looking at him.

"The look on your face." John said

"No it's nothing really. Believe me."

"Alright I'll take your word." John said as a waitress approached them. "Hey how are you guys? What will you guys like today?" she smiled

"The usual." Jude replied

"Umm whatever her usual is." John said.

"Alright be right back in a jiffy." The waitress said as she skated off.

"So this place is pretty nice." John said turning to Jude

"Yea it is. I always go here. Best curly fries ever." She smiled

John looked around and saw the jukebox "So want me to change the song?" he asked

"Yea play………….. Patsy Cline Crazy." She said

"Alright." He said getting out of the booth and walked over to the jukebox.

Jude tapped her nails on the table top as she watched him do so. As much as she hated it she remembered the times her and Tommy hung out at the very same diner. And how Jude scratched Tommy Rox My Sox onto the tabletop. She didn't exactly remember which table it was till she looked down and saw it. –Man do I miss him- she thought to herself. –Wonder what he's doing at this very moment- she thought as John has changed the song. Patsy Clines song Crazy now resounding in her head. Jude sighed and looked back at John. He looked at her and smiled. Jude forced a smile on. John walked back to the booth and sat down. "You know I've never heard your voice." He said.

"Really, you haven't?" she asked

"Nope. Your sister told me you sing but I never heard any of your songs."

"Oh.. alright." Jude smiled. She began to sing along to the song playing till song ended. She closed her eyes as she sang and swayed with the music. She opened her eyes when the song ended and smiled.

"Wow you sing really good." John said.

"Thanks." She smiled. The waitress soon came with their food. "Yum." Jude said as the waitress laid the plate in front of her. John laughed "You look like you're going to attack that thing like a wild animal." He said.

"You know it. Rawr." She laughed as she picked up her burger.


	6. Chapter 6 I'll give it a try

John laughed before he began to eat his food as well. Two hours, 4 milkshakes, and 2 orders of curly fries later Jude and John were still sitting down in the booth talking away. _This John guy isn't half bad._ Jude thought to herself as they talked. They seemed to really have hit it off. Yet she couldn't help but wish that it was Tommy she was talking to. John was great and all but he was no Tommy. "Jude?" she heard as John snapped his fingers to get her attention. "Yes?" she said looking up from the table at him. "You kinda zoned out on me for a sec there." John replied.

"Oh I'm sorry. I guess I don't know. I think I'm getting sort of tired." Jude said looking at her watch.

John nodded "Yea I guess I should be taking you home." He said as he got out of the booth waiting for Jude to do the same.

She got up and followed him out to the car. John opened the door for her first then got in himself. Jude sighed as she looked out the window on the way to her house. A few minutes later the car stopped in front of her house. John got out and opened the car door for her. Jude smiled and got out. "Let me walk you to the door." John said as Jude nodded. They walked slowly to the door and stopped. John looked at Jude as he put his hands in his pockets. Jude turned and looked at him "I had a great time tonight."

"I did too… I was wondering if maybe you'd want to go out with me again." John asked with a smile.

Jude thought for a second. She smiled and said with a nod "Yes that'd be great."

"Cool… So I guess I'll give you a call later." John replied. Jude gave him a hug and he was off. Jude dragged her feet up the stairs to her bedroom. She quickly got dressed and flopped down on her bed.

She couldn't get the thought of Tommy out of her head. She tried so hard to fight the tears but they still poured out of her eyes. _How could he leave me? How could he say that he might not be coming back? I wish I never met him. I hate him. I hate him. All he ever does is make me cry. And yet…. Why do I still find myself head over heels for him? I give too much of myself to him. When he clearly doesn't want it... All he does is play these games. And just when I thought things between him and I were actually were reaching a breakthrough. He leaves! I want to move on. I wish I could say Tommy who? Hmm… maybe I should give this John guy a try. Maybe for once I'll actually get over Tom Quincy. One day… One day…_

Jude couldn't sleep. So she got out of bed and walked downstairs. She opened a cabinet and took out a box of Pop Tarts. Sadie walked in rubbing her eyes. "Oh sorry. Did I wake you?" Jude asked looking up. Sadie shook her head as she took a seat on a stool. "So… how was your date?" she asked.

"Umm it was pretty good." Jude said before biting into her Pop Tart.

"That's it. Oh c'mon sis I saw how you looked at him. There has got to be more than that." Sadie said taking the juice out of the fridge and pouring it into a glass. "We saw a movie and got a bite. There's nothing left to say. So did I get any calls or something?" Jude asked.

Sadie thought for a minute_. Should I really tell her Tommy called? If I tell her it's going to totally ruin her day and then the next day and then the next... I'm not going to bring her down._ Sadie slowly shook her head "None what so ever." She said before taking a sip of her o.j.

Dear journal,

Eeek I haven't wrote in such a long time. Well it's been 5 months since I last saw or heart from Tommy. It was hard but I find myself coping perfectly well with it. I have not heard from him or anything about him in that matter. I guess things really have panned out for real ever since those two horrific days. Here's a recap. Tommy taking off on me. Me ditching album release party and getting totally thrashed by random guy… Yea… I'm so smart aren't I? So… it was a good idea giving John a try. He is such a great guy. He's sweet and he even brings me ice cream when I'm stuck at the studio writing a song with Kwest. Yea recently he has been my songwriting buddy with along well... Speid. We've come up with some pretty good songs. Darius thinks that as soon as we get those babies recorded we'll have pure gold. Ah it's a new year. I should have a clean slate. No Tommy no problems. Mom is gone so no arguments. And Sadie and I have actually been getting along lately. Unbelievable but it's oh so true. Kwest and Sadie are talking a lot more. They think I don't see what's going on… I'm 17 but definitely not stupid. Well journal I guess this is basically the gist of it.


	7. Chapter 7 So much for Zen

**I'm taking a bit of a change of pace on this one. Now it's going to be in 1st person perspective and also kind of go with the plot. Italics are thoughts.**

_Playing guest star on the show that made you is a surreal mixture of pride and nerves. Pride because you were the original. Nerves because you have to listen to a bunch of strangers re-interpret your music. From emo… To punk... To Sinatra? Still, it's kind of moving seeing how my music inspires others. Inspire them to want to be me. Maybe even to replace me? There are those nerves again. The ones that never really go away._

I watched Karma sing my song 'Waste my time'_. If I didn't know any better I'd say it sounds just as good as the original. But what the hell am I talking about. The original is MINE. I know there already has been one Instant Star after me but this… this is much different. Okay… everything will be okay. It'll all be just peachy. I should be encouraging. I shouldn't let anything get to me. I'm going to be calm. I'm going to be wiser. So, Zen lifestyle…kick in now._

I walked into G Major. And just the same as the days before, I get my coffee. But this time… some thing changed my plans… Sadie comes up to me with an envelope in her hands. _Something tells me this is not going to be good._

"Looks like somebody had a little fun." Sadie said as she spread out the pictures. _Me and my stupid decisions._

"Not funny Sades." I spat as I looked through them picking up one.

Sadie picked up a white piece of paper that was mixed in with the pictures. "He wants 50 grand or he's going to leak them to the press." She said showing it to me leaning against the table.

"Darius is going to kill me." I sighed crouching over the table.

"Who says he has to know?" Sadie said with and incredulous look on her face.

"You telling me to pay him off?" I asked looking up at her.

She slowly nodded. I hesitated then slowly began to nod. _So much for being wise, huh?_

I walk out of the room with the envelope of pictures in my hands and as soon as I walk out Karma walks up to me. "Oh my god Jude. I'm so glad we finally meet. Do you have a second to talk? I mean I can really use some advice." She said in an upbeat tone.

_I know I said I was going to be encouraging but c'mon here. Do I honestly want to talk to her? _

I sighed and forced on a smile, "Yea. What exactly do you need advice on?" Karma smiled "Great. So how do you usually calm your nerves before a performance? Or do you ever get nervous? " she asked.

"My first couple of performances I definitely got nervous. But I guess after you look out at the crowd and see the looks on people's faces. And also how they're into your song those nerves seem to die down."

"Thanks. Do you have any advice here? Like the business do's and don'ts?" Karma asked.

"Umm there's not much to say other than please refrain from getting on Darius's bad side. I've gone past that territory a few times and it's definitely not a good place to be."

"Yea I know. He totally flipped out on me last night for wearing the wrong shoes."

"Well I gotta go. Good luck tonight." I said about to walk away.

"Wait Jude. I heard you're not going to be performing at the finale."

I nodded "Yea that's correct."

"But why?"

"Instant Star is great but I kind of want to steer away."

"I think you really should. I mean c'mon Instant Star gave you a start. It's a part of you."

I shook my head "Nah. Also I've got a few things on my plate I really need to sort out."

"Is it bad?"

"You could say that.." I said slowly.. _I know I shouldn't of been giving too much away. Also this is totally my business but she asked and I couldn't help but tell._

"What is it?" she asked with a seemingly concerned face on.

"It's crazy. I'm in a middle of an elaborate blackmail scheme." I sighed.

Karma gasped "Oh my. What's Darius doing about that?"

"Umm thing is… he doesn't know. So keep this between us okay?"

"Girlscouts honor" she said crossing and X on her heart.

"Great." I smiled. "So I'll see you around." I said before walking away. I slipped into Studio C. Nobody was in there. I opened up the envelope and looked at the pictures again as I took a seat on a chair. I sighed as I slowly shook my head "Stupid me." I mumbled to myself. I heard the door slowly open up from behind me. I quickly gathered up the pictures and put them back in the envelope. I turned around to see who it was. And my heart stopped. _Is this real? Am I dreaming? Breath Jude breath! _I pinched myself just to check if I was dreaming. Apparently I wasn't. "Hey" I heard him say softly. His voice was like music to my ears.


	8. Chapter 8 Behind blue eyes

_There's the guy I cried over for many nights on end. There's the guy I haven't seen in months. There's the guy who broke my heart 3 times in a row. But there's the guy that can make everything back to better. There stands the guy who I can be myself with no matter what. There stands the guy who teaches me things no one else can._

Tom Quincy stood in front of me as I stared at him with wide eyes. He smiled "Are you just going to sit there and stare at me or are you going to give me a hug?"

I didn't wait to say another word. I immediately jumped to my feet and gave him a huge hug. _Oh my god. He smells so good._

"It's been too long." I said within our hug. The hug seemed to last forever. And I really didn't want to let go.

"I know girl. I know." He replied as we parted.

"Where have you been?" I asked hoping he'd give me a world class answer.

"It's a long story." _That's Tom Quincy for ya. Always with the vague explanations. _But I wasn't going to ask more. I didn't want to ruin it. "So I hear you're not performing tonight?" he asked.

"Oh my god. Is there anybody who doesn't know that I'm not." I said throwing my hands in the air.

He laughed "I think you should do it." He smiled looking at me with his gorgeous blue eyes.

_How can I say no? How can I ever say no to him? Man what's with me? All he has to do is stare at me with those eyes and I melt. _

I smiled "Umm alright." I said slowly.

"Good." He nodded. "So… I'll see you tonight at the finale okay?"

I nodded with a smile "Alright.". And then the guy with the ice blue eyes walked away. I stood there stupid not moving at all. Till I heard another familiar voice.

John wrapped his strong arms around me "Hey beautiful" he smiled.

"Hi" I said not really knowing what else to say to him. All the things in my head were of the infamous Tommy. I wasn't going to talk to my boyfriend about the guy who used to own my heart.

"And how are you today?" he asked.

I smiled looking at him "I'm doing good. So I'm going to be performing tonight at the finale."

"Really? What made you change your mind?"

"Nothing. Just did." I shrugged. Not wanting to tell him it was Tommy who did.

"Oh that's good. I'll try to watch it on the tube tonight while I'm at my family get together."

"Thanks." I smiled.

"Well I just dropped by to see how you were before I had to endure a 3 hour drive."

I kissed his cheek "I'll call you later tonight, okay?"

He nodded and gave me a hug before he left.

It's 8 minutes till my performance. _For once I actually feel a bit nervous._ _Why do I feel nervous? Is it because he's going to be here? _I paced back and forth back stage. Actually biting my nails. It's been such a long time since I last bit my nails. And there I see him. He finally walked in. "Hey superstar." I said slowly as I walked towards him. Only to see a young girl come up from behind him and run to Portia. _Why does he look so smug? Like he doesn't think that finding out that he has a kid won't hurt me. _

"Wow Tommy. This is rich."

"Jude you don't know what you're talking about." He said in reply before I ran off to my dressing room. _He has a kid! A kid Jude. How could he not tell me. _I threw all my makeup to the ground. Smashed the gift baskets. _Darius is going to kill me. But I can care less._ I leaned against the vanity with tears pouring out of my eyes. _So much for makeup._ Jamie walked in "Woah. Looks like a tornado was in here." He said walking over to me.

"Tommy has a kid. Did you know this?" I said within my tears.

"Jude don't beat yourself up over this." He replied looking at me.

Then added "Jude. Are you always going to let Tommy bring you down."

"Okay. I'm always the sucker." I said with a cracked up voice.

"You're always the victim." He said grabbing hold of my shoulders.

Now the tears wouldn't stop coming out. Basically like a waterfall now.

"You have to grow up."

"What?" I asked turning to look at him.

"I've grown up and I think it's time you should too." He said before letting go of me and walking out.

I stood there speechless. _Grow up? What the hell is he talking about?_

I looked in the mirror and fixed my smeared eyeliner just as a guy yelled "2 minutes" from outside the door.

_Okay Jude. Get a hold of yourself. So Tommy has a kid.. Don't let him see you cry. Just please don't let him see you cry. _


	9. Chapter 9 I don't know if I should stay

_He's backI should be happy. I mean at least he's here. Man… how could he not tell me. I thought we could tell each other just about anything. That's the type of friendship I thought we had. I'm supposed to be singing Skips. But this… I think this fits the mood._

**Where's my will,  
Can I find a way,  
The earth is wild,  
And I can't sit still,  
**

_I'm surprised I haven't screwed up my song yet. He's there. Back stage. Listening. Listening to the song that's basically about how I feel for him._

**A familiar sound,  
A familiar voice,  
Makes it so hard,  
To make a choice,  
I don't know if I should stay,**

_I want to get away. Go somewhere basically deserted and scream my head off. I'm angry. I'm sad. Must be dumb cause I feel like a wreck. Why does a piece of me want to forgive him? _**  
**

**A thousand stars,  
You will have my word,  
I'm brightening up,  
To fill these cracks,**

_Boys… Stupid boys… Stupid me… _**  
**

**A familiar place,  
A familiar voice,  
Makes it so hard.  
To make a choice,  
I don't know if I should stay,  
**

_Pull yourself together… Don't cry… I need to stop thinking about this… Or else I'm going to cry. He's going to see me cry…_**  
**

**I ran to you like water  
I threw my body in  
And I'll stand up on the ocean  
Just to show you that I am strong, strong  
But what if I am wrong**

_Should I act like it's nothing? I mean that is part of the **Zen **lifestyle I'm trying to live. Don't sweat it Jude… don't sweat it…_**  
**

**A familiar look  
A familiar smile  
Makes it so hard  
To make a choice  
I don't know if I should stay away**

I smiled to the crowd not showing an ounce of what I was feeling inside. I walked backstage and straight to my dressing room. Darius walked in with a smile on "That was a good one Jude. You killed it. Thanks for doing this for me."

"I didn't do it for you. I did it for my fans." I said flat out as I put on my jacket. _Correction. I did it for Tommy._ I sighed as I walked out of the dressing room. I saw Tommy look at me from the corner of my eye. He even called out my name. But I didn't do anything. I just kept on walking. I walked out of the building and onto the streets. It was pouring rain outside_. But I don't care. I know I left Sadie there. She's probably worried. But I don't care. I don't care at all anymore._ I continued to walk in the rain. My clothes were drenched in just a matter of minutes_. I know I'll catch a cold for this but I'd definitely rather get a cold than a broken heart. Which happens oh too often. It's getting old. I'm getting older. _I felt my phone vibrate. It was John._ Nah I'm not going to pick up. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't want him to know that I'm upset. And upset over Tommy._

I sighed and pressed ignore. _Today just isn't my day. First I get blackmailed and then I find out that Tommy has come back with a kid. Where's Patsy and her alcohol when you need her. _

I just kept on walking. I wasn't really headed somewhere in particular. All I knew is that I didn't want to be home and that I wanted to be alone. But just then I felt bright car lights on me. _I spoke too soon._ I turned around and saw a familiar car with a familiar face inside. _Love the car. Hate the guy._

I stopped walking and faced the car when he stopped. _I look like such a mess. My hair is all over the place. My eyeliner is smeared down my cheeks. My clothes are soaking wet. _He rolled down a window and called out "Get in."

"No. I'm good." I said in reply.

"C'mon just get in. You're soaking wet."

"No I said I'm good."

"Jude you're going to get sick. We don't even need to talk. Just let me take you home or where ever you're headed."

Finally with a little hesitation I said as I opened the car door. "Fine." I sighed as I took a seat.

He let off the break and began to drive. At first it was quiet. But knowing Tommy he was bound to say something.

"Why are you mad at me?" he asked. _Is there ever a time where Tommy actually gets a clue. I mean I thought it was pretty obvious why I'm pissed at him. A kid. Damnit! A kid! _

"Two words Quincy. A kid." I said looking forward.

Tommy didn't say anything in reply. Instead he just stopped the car. _What the hell? What is he doing? If he wants to talk I don't want to hear it. I've had enough of buying into his crap. I won't hear it. LALALALALALA!_

"Tommy, what the hell? Start up the car." I said turning to look at him.

"Jude we're going to stay here till we get this cleared up. Everything."

"Tommy I don't want to hear it."

"Jude shut up and just let me talk."

"What's there to say? Other than 'Jude I have a kid'. There you go. Case closed. Now start the damn car up again."

"I don't have a kid."

"Then who was that kid with you tonight?"

"It's my SISTERS kid Miss I don't want to hear it."

"Oh…" I said slowly. _Well now I feel stupid. Real stupid… _


	10. Chapter 10 I'll dig a hole if you do too

_Okay he doesn't have a kid. But how was I supposed to know. What was I supposed to think? I mean I don't usually seeing Tommy having some random stranger kid with him. _

"Sorry…" I said lamely as I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear.

"It's cool."

Then it got quiet. I fiddled with my star ring a little. _I want to know why he left. Why does he have her daughter with him? _

"Tommy, why'd you leave?" _I hate when my thoughts get the best of me._

Tommy didn't reply. I looked at him and waited for an answer. It didn't look like he was going to tell me.

"Something bad happened."

"Like what?"

"My sister... she died." He said as he looked at me tearing up.

_Wow. Is he crying? I've never seen him cry before. _

"I'm sorry." I said slowly.

Tommy didn't say a word instead he just took me in his arms and hugged me tight.

_Gosh… Why do I always end up messing with open wounds?_

I could feel his warm tears on my shirt. I continued to hug him. And it only seemed like as every minute passed he held me tighter. I even wanted to cry myself. It was that hard to see him cry. How could I not want to?

_I feel horrible now. I know it's not my fault that his sister well.. died. But I made him talk about it. I made him think about it. Man… ya know even though this is kind of a sad moment I so love hugging him right now. He's so warm. I can feel his breathe on my shoulder. Oh my gosh. Tommy hugs are always the greatest. _

After a few more minutes he finally let go of me. He quickly wiped his tears and started up the car. He didn't say anything for more than half the drive to my house.

"Thanks Jude." He said as he glanced at me. _FINALLY he says something. I felt like I was going to die from silence._

"It's no problem. But I'm sorry for having brought it up."

"No it's okay. It was going to happen anyways."

"Oh.." I nodded.

"Anyways, about the kid. My niece is going to be staying with me for a while."

"You know how to take care of a kid?" I said looking at Tommy. He cracked a smile.

"Yes, Jude. It's not that hard."

"You're full of crap Tommy." I laughed.

Tommy laughed as he slowly shook his head. "I'd like to see you take care of a kid. I bet you're not any better."

"Probably way better than you."

"Sure Jude keep telling yourself that." He laughed.

"It's true. I may not have babysat a lot but enough to say I know a thing or two."

"And you didn't lose them? Jude I have to say I'm shocked." He joked.

I playfully punched his arm "Heyy!"

He pulled up to my driveway. _Blah I don't want to go in. It's almost 11. I'm about to get the third degree. 21 fricken questions._

"Guess this is goodnight." He said looking at me.

"Yea.." I said looking forward not looking at him.

"Aren't you going to go in now?" he asked.

I took off my seatbelt slowly.

"Thanks for the ride." I said giving him a hug then parting.

Tommy then pulled me back into an embrace. I smiled as he hugged me.

"It was nice seeing you again." He said while we hugged.

"Try to refrain from scaring me again, will you?"

"It's a can do." He said letting go of me.

"Goodnight Tommy." I said as I got out of the car. He gave a small wave. I walked up to my door and waved. Then watched him drive away. I got into the house and surprisingly I didn't get my expected 21 questions. It looked like nobody was even home. I walked into my room and changed out of my wet clothes. Fell back on the bed and finally got to sleep.

_Oh crap! Jp is going to be pissed. I didn't call him. Hey maybe he'll get over it. Man, he's probably worried.. _


	11. Chapter 11 A cacophony of trouble

**Authors Note: Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Been a bit busy. Anyways here's a new chapter. Enjoy! ******

Dear journal,

It was a sleepless night. No matter how much I tried to keep my eyes closed. I'd end up staring up at the ceiling. Which I need to clean a spider web off of as I think about it. It's morning. I'm going to head down to G-Major as soon as my coffee is done brewing. I'm glad Tommy doesn't have a kid. I feel bad that his sister died though. It must be really hard. I mean if I lost Sadie I'd be a wreck. As much as we fight I still love her. I'm going to try to be there for Tommy. He really needs me. Anyways journal coffee is done. Enough for now.

I closed my journal and poured my coffee into a cup. I took a sip then headed out of the house to my car. I heard a familiar car zoom up to my house as I fumbled to find my car key. And there he was. With his beautiful blue Vipor. I saw him smile as I walked over to him. He unrolled the window "Get in.". I laughed alittle as I got in.

"If you spill that on the leather I will murder you." He joked as he took off the brake.

"I promise I won't." I reassured him before taking a drink.

"Have your coffee making skills improved?" he smiled glancing at me.

"Nope. Hence why Sadie made this."

He nodded. "Yea she makes a pretty mean cup of jo."

I took another sip. He made a semi sharp turn. My coffee was so close to spilling all over me.

"Man so close." I said as I decided to put my coffee in a cup holder.

He glanced at me then kept driving. I turned on his radio and turn the dial through the stations.

"Hasn't anyone told you that when you're in someone elses car not to mess with the radio?"

"Uhm… nope." I smiled shaking my head.

He laughed alittle. I turned the station to 101.2 Rok.

"My has our little Jude grown up." The dj said.

I heightened the volume when I heard my name. Listening intently.

_What are they going to say now? What have they dished up?_

"Right now I'm flipping through the pages and it looks like a side of her we've never seen. Drunk and half dressed. Wow.. just wow." The dj kept going on about.

_What? Thought he wasn't going to rat me out if I paid up. Stupid son of a gun._

Tommy looked at me and I quickly turned off the radio.

"Uhm… how about no music." I said acting as if I heard nothing. Turning to look out the window.

"Drunk?" he said with anger in his tone.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Doesn't matter if you don't. Cause I do."

"Not now."

"Damnit Jude!"

"What! Yea I got drunk. That what you want to hear? It's nothing new. It's nothing you haven't heard. I'm not the only one who drinks around here." I said turning to look at him.

"Okay now explain half dressed."

"Now that…. umm…"

"Yea… just what I thought."

"Okay coming from Mr. In and out of the tabloids that's really funny."

"Yea I made a few mistakes. But I didn't expect that from you." He said as he parked in the G-Major parking lot.

"Yea well when you unexpectedly left things unexpectedly happened." I said grabbing my coffee and getting out of the car. I threw the cup at the ground as I walked.

_Is that his aim? To piss me the hell off! _

I walked into G-Major and it looked as if everybody had todays issue of The National Inquirer.

_Stupid tabloids!_


	12. Chapter 12 Real

**Authors Note: Sorry it took so long. And sorry it's short. But don't worry. I'm out of school now so I'll have more time to write the next chapter.**

Sadie walked passed me and said, "Cross your fingers that D doesn't yell at you."

"Not funny Sades", I rolled my eyes walking into Studio A.

Kwest was sitting in a chair with an issue in his hands.

"Oh no, not you too Kwest", I sighed as I sat down.

Kwest closed it then said, "Jude… wow…"

Tommy stood leaning in the doorway with an issue in his hands.

"Interesting…" he said looking up at me.

I leaned back on the chair and said, "Don't even Quincy."

Tommy grinned as he looked at the magazine again. I got up and grabbed both magazines from Tommy and Kwest.

"Let's get to work." I said as I dropped them in the trashcan.

"Anger management?" Tommy joked.

I playfully punched his arm.

"Okay okay… Oww..." He laughed.

I walked into the sound booth and put on the headphones. Tommy took a seat beside Kwest at the soundboard. But before I could sing a word I saw Darius behind the glass motioning me to meet him in his office. I sighed as I took off the headphones. I walked out of Studio A and followed Darius to his office. He shut the door behind us then held up the issue of Pop Weekly.

"I can explain." I said lamely.

"Good. Cause I want answers. And I want them now." He said walking over to his desk and taking a seat.

"Just… blowing off steam"

"Give me a good one. Worth listening to", Darius said angrily throwing the issue on his desk.

"I'm sorry but that is the reason. So I got drunk. Big deal."

"Do you know what I have to do to clean up your tarnished reputation?"

"I don't know… It just shows that I'm real", I said as I picked the magazine up from his desk.

"I'm not perfect. And this proves that. It shows that I'm not fake."

"Fine then. This Friday you will explain that to the public." Darius said leaning back in his chair.

I slowly nodded, "Uhm… sure."

"And now you owe me a killer song to redeem yourself."

"I'll get right to work on that", I said as I walked out with a sigh of relief. _Well that went better than expected._

My phone rang soon after, "Hello?"

"Jude, you okay?"

"Yea yea… okay John."

"Good. I called you after I heard about it. What happened?"

"Just something stupid I did a few months ago."

"Man I wish I could just find the person who sent those pictures and give em a piece of my mind."

"No. It's okay John."

"You sure you're okay?"

"Positive. Anyways, I'll call you later. I have to work on a song."

"Alright. Love you."

"Right back at you", I replied before shutting my phone.

John held his phone. _Right back at ya?_


	13. Chapter 13 Oh Crap!

_Life seems too unreal these days. Tommy is back. Tommy's niece lives with him. I'm the poster girl for being "Real". Not something I'm real proud of. But I had to say something to Darius. Something. Anything really. John must be feeling real awkward about now. "Right back at you"? Oh boy… what have I gotten myself into? On top of my love life woes I have to think of some good things to say this Friday. This is not going to be easy._

"Time is money", Darius said walking past me.

"I know. I know", I rolled my eyes as I headed back into the studio.

Kwest and Tommy seemed to have retrieved their magazines from the trashcan and were reading them when I walked in. I stood in the doorway not saying a word.

"Wow these people will write just about anything", Tommy laughed as he pointed something out to Kwest.

"They sure would", I said as I walked more fully inside.

They looked up and closed the magazines lamely. I ran a hand through my hair as he walked into the sound booth.

Kwest spun in his chair and pressed a few buttons. I put on the headphones and looked at them through the glass. Kwest counted with his fingers. As soon as he got to 1 I began to sing.

_People say the best songs are songs that come from real experiences. Songs that people can relate to. I've been told times aplenty about how girls my age put my songs in their blogs. Dedicate my songs to their friends…boyfriends… to explain how they're feeling. I guess I should feel real proud that people look to my songs to describe their emotions._

I just sang. I didn't even write down this song. Thank god they're recording it or I'll never remember it.

**It's out to get me  
And it's all in my head  
It wants to take me  
Time to put me to bed  
Can someone wake me  
against my own will  
And get me outta here  
I'm sick of walking on pills  
I've got a weakness  
so tell me where is the bliss  
Can someone shake me   
and get me out of this fix  
All the white walls are closing up tight  
I need to know  
if I can get through the night  
**_I still can't believe this guy. _**  
It won't let me  
Everybody's out to get me  
**_He turned out to be another one of those "vultures". Out to get something from me._**  
Tell me that the lines are what they seem  
Oh that the heaven screams all that I dream  
Oh will it ever let go**

Oh oh no it's a breakdown  
Oh oh no it's a breakdown  
Oh oh no it's a breakdown  
_When will it stop? I guess it's the price I pay for sharing what I love to do with the world._**  
All the vampires are out on the look  
Do they see me  
how long will it take to chase the monster  
That's still in my head  
it's all I see  
And it needs to be feed  
I have the witness to what has been done  
It sorta had me and I think it has won  
**_I just didn't think it'd be like this. I didn't think that people would try to break me. I thought that I was just here to make great music and that'll be the end of the story. But it never really is these days._**  
Tell me that the lines are what they seem  
Oh that the heaven screams all that I dream  
Oh will it ever let go**

Oh oh no it's a breakdown  
Oh oh no it's a breakdown  
Oh oh no it's a breakdown

Oh break it down  
break it down   
and what you really want  
_I want my Zen lifestyle. If I don't get it… I'm just going to fall apart…_**  
Oh I've done it today breakdown  
Oh get outta the way it's all a frown  
Oh still again sit me down  
Oh I've done it again breakdown  
Oh I've done it today breakdown  
Oh outta the way it's all a frown  
**_Not only does those pictures contribute to it…but so do my feelings for John and Tommy._**  
It won't let me everybody's out to get me  
Tell me that lines are what they seem  
Oh that the heaven screams all that I dream  
Oh will it ever let go  
**_This time…I won't be the only one getting hurt…_**  
Oh oh no it's a breakdown  
Oh oh no it's a breakdown  
Oh oh no it's a breakdown**

I opened up my eyes as I sang the last line. Tommy smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I smiled back but it soon faded when I saw John walk in from behind Tommy. _Oh no…so soon?_


	14. Chapter 14 That Hussie!

John smiled and waved as I tried to plaster one on. I saw Tommy looking at Kwest through the glass. Giving a -Who's that? – look. I bit my lip as I headed out of the sound booth.

"John… what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Just thought you'd need a little moral support", he said giving me a hug.

"She's a big girl. And she's got all the support she needs here", Tommy said getting up looking at us.

_I want… to disappear…ahhhh!_

I threw Tommy a look as I looked back to John, "I'm just fine. But that's nice of you to have come."

"You sure? "John asked as he rubbed my shoulder a little.

"Positive", I smiled with a nod. _Erm… not really…_

"Okay, so are we still on for tonight then? "he asked as I watched Tommy walk out from the corner of my eye.

"Oh wow… I forgot. I'm sorry I kind of have to finish a few tracks", I replied.

"It's okay. As long as you make it up to me tomorrow", he smiled.

"Of course", I nodded.

"I'll let you get back to work", he said before kissing my forehead. "Bye", he said walking out.

_Thank… god… _I sighed as I sunk myself into a chair leaning my head back.

"This is going to be a long day", I mumbled to myself.

I sat up straight and looked at Tommy. He looked pretty pissed off. He really had no right to be though. Tommy was gone for months. What did he expect me to do? Wait and stay stuck to him like light is to day? I couldn't live life like that. And at least J.P decided to give me a real shot. Not leave me high and dry like Tommy was so good at doing. It sucks that I fall into it every time though.

I spun in the chair waiting for him to come back in. I looked at my watch. _Geez how long does it take to get a cup of coffee…_I spun facing the door. Only to see Karma leaning against the counter batting eyelashes to Tommy. _Don't get angry Jude… Why should you care? You have J.P. Got all you need right there… Is he smiling? Ah!! Look away Jude!_

I got up from the chair and walked out and over to Tommy and Karma, "Tommy, hurry up… Oh… hello Karma", I said faking a smile.

"Hey Jude", she said probably giving an equally fake one.

Tommy took a drink of his coffee, "See you around Karma", he smiled.

_Act like you didn't see that…_"Bye Karma…C'mon Tommy", I said basically dragging him away.

"Later", Karma winked to him. _That hussie…_


	15. Please Read

1**I am so so sorry readers. It's been such a long time and I've had such a hectic life since I started writing this. But I am working on a few chapters. I'm thinking about ending it though after 4-5 chapters though. I will try to make them long chapters though. I do plan on starting another story. Again, I am so sorry**.


	16. Chapter 16 Awkward

1Dear journal,

I have a boyfriend. I should be faithful. But boy do my feelings wander back to Tommy. We've been spending a lot of time together these days. Recording. Hanging out. Working on some new songs. So the press conference went pretty well. I'm still in the tabloids though. And there's not really much I can do about that. But I guess it comes with the territory. Anyhoo , I'm about to hang out with J.P so this is it for now.

I took my cell out of my pocket and texted J.P

_Almost done. You can come over now._

I put on my boots and my star ring of course. As I look myself over in the mirror, I think _Okay, I look fine. _ _This is as good as it gets. _ I walked downstairs and sat down on the couch. As I lean my head back, I looked around the house. _Gosh, no one is ever home anymore._ "Lame," I mumbled to myself just before I hear a knock on the door. _Boy he's fast._ I got up and headed over to the door.

"Hey Jo.....," I said as I opened the door. But I stopped myself mid sentence when I figured out who it actually was. "Tommy? What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Uh a ' hey Tommy come on in' would be nice," he joked. "I have an idea for a song and I wanted us to get to work on it."

"I kinda had plans," I replied. Dragging my words. _I have a date. Say no Jude, say no Jude_

"Well get out of them. This song is going to be good. I just know it," Tommy smiled.

"I uh.... I don't know," I said hesitantly.

"Come on."

"I...," I said just as John walked up to the front steps.

"Hey," he said slowly.

"Hey John," I said casually with a smile. _Oh boy...._

"Are we still on?" he asked.

Tommy turned around, "She has to work. Sorry kid."

I made a face at Tommy. _He has the nerve_

"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you I swear," I told John.

John let out a deep breath, "Fine..."

"Again.. I'm sorry," I stepped forward and kissed his cheek.

"Call me later on tonight. Okay?" he asked.

"I will," I replied with a nod.

John nodded and walked away.

"Come on in," I opened the door wider for Tommy.

He smiled and stepped inside.

_Jerk._

"So break out the pen and paper. And let's get started," he smiled walking over to the couch and taking a seat.

"Guitar or keyboard?" I asked.

"Keyboard," Tommy replied.

"Alright," I nodded heading upstairs to grab it.

"So thanks for breaking my date," I said sarcastically as I headed down the stairs.

"Anytime," Tommy replied opening a notebook and picking up a pen.

I set up the keyboard.

"So tell me about this song that you want to write so badly," I said as I took a seat on the couch next to him. 2 feet away of course.

"It's a love song," Tommy nodded.

"Okay."

"I have a few lines already," he said handing the notebook to me.

_I've seen you falling  
In and out of things  
Your heart heats up  
Your heart gets cold  
Lights up and yerns again_

"Hmm," I said reading the lines. _Everything he writes is gold. _

"Lemme see the pen," I held my hand out.

He handed me the pen then I jotted down a few more lines.

_What's your story  
I don't want a flash of glory_

_Then the crash  
The what was that  
And why did i fall so fast_

Slow down  
We've got time  
I need to know  
That you're all mine

Tommy looked over what I had written then nodded then took the pen from me.

_Have you got love to burn?  
Kisses for days?Don't you wanna grab onto something real  
And never let it get away?_

"Ah, I like that, " I nodded reading his lines. I began humming the lyrics softly to myself as he continued to write.

_I don't have love to burn  
Time to waste  
'Cause I've waited far too long  
For the spark to become a flame  
And if it comes true  
I only have a love to burn for you  
_

"No, no put this," I said grabbing the pen and crossing out what he wrote. I then filled in the next 3 lines and handed him back the pen.

He smiled, "That is better."

_  
I can live without you im happy by myself  
But you get to meYou make me feel like there is no one else  
_

He handed me the pen. I sang as I wrote the next few stanzas of the song. Tommy then pulled the keyboard towards him. Playing a melody to my sung words.

_  
What you doin'  
Leaving hearts in ruins  
Can't you see  
For us to be  
That just won't fly with me_

Slow down  
Let's get it right  
Make it last  
Let's start tonight

Have you got love to burn?  
Kisses for days?  
Don't you wanna grab onto something real  
And never let it get away?  
I don't have love to burn  
Time to waste  
'Cause I've waited far too long  
For the spark to become a flame  
And if it comes true  
I only have a love to burn for you

I'd see it through  
If I was sure you'd feel this way for me  
It's gotta be much more  
than anything we said  
for love to ever last

I need to it's not just touch and go  
That you are here to stay  
Here to stay  
That you are here to stay

hmmmm  
Have you got love to burn?  
Kisses for days?  
Tonight we wont  
let anything get  
in our way

Have you got love to burn?  
Kisses for days?  
Don't you wanna grab onto something real  
And never let it get away?

I don't have love to burn  
Time to waste  
'Cause I've waited far too long  
For the spark to become a flame  
And if it comes true  
I only have a love to burn for you

Two hours, 4 pieces of scribbled and scratched out paper later, we came out with a beautiful song.

"I'd told you we'd have a hit," Tommy smiled leaning back on the couch.

"I guess you were right. But... I'm still mad at you," I replied looking at him.

"You really like the guy, huh?" he asked directing his gaze to me.

"Yeah. I really do," I nodded.

He thought for a moment, "Hmm do you love him?"

"Um.... I don't know.. I don't think him and I are quite there yet," I replied. _I can't love him_. _I still love you._

"Oh.. Okay," he nodded.

"Yup," I said slowly. _Awkward._


	17. Chapter 17 Halo

It's the next morning now. And damn do I feel guilty. By the time Tommy and I finished the song, I was so ready to hit the hay that I pretty much forgot to call John. Or to even send a text. I can't believe what I'm feeling right now. It doesn't make any sense at all. Tommy breaks my heart and the next thing I know I'm breaking dates with one of the most amazing men I've ever met. This is not going to end pretty. I just know it. As soon as I woke up this morning and realized what I had done, I called John. Unfortunately for me, he still has yet to respond to my calls or texts. Now I have to go to the studio and feel even more confused about the mess called my life.

There weren't that many people there when I arrived. Sadie was working at the desk, of course. And that skank, Karma, was off schmoozing some of the producers. I guess when you have no real talent yourself you have to trick people into doing most of the work for you. Lucky her. Not.

"Hey Sades," I smiled as I walked past the front desk to studio A. She smiled and nodded in my direction. Once I got to the door, I realized Tommy was already there. On time, like he's been doing these past few weeks. He was sitting alone with a guitar in hand. Strumming keys that I don't think I've heard before. But one thing I knew for sure was that it sounded beautiful. At some point though, he seemed to get frustrated as he played and replayed a certain part. As much as I'd love to stand her listening to him play all day, I have some recording to do. I really don't feel like having the record head on my back again. I do not, I repeat, do not think I can handle the stress of constantly feeling watched.

I tapped on the door frame and nonchalantly asked, " Am I interrupting something?"

He looked up at me as if he were startled, "Oh no.. no.. just messing around," he shook his head.

"So.. what was that bit you were just playing?"I asked.

"It's nothing. Just something I randomly put together," Tommy replied as he set down the guitar carefully.

I didn't feel like pushing it. If he didn't want to tell me, then I guess that's just how it's going to be.

"Oh, okay then. Ready to make some musical magic?" I asked with a smile.

"Always am," he nodded with a grin.

"Alright then," I nodded as I walked into the sound booth. I put on my headphones and began to sing the lyrics to something I had just recently finished.

"I never promised you a ray of light  
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday  
I'll give you everything I have  
The good the bad..." I began.

"Why do you put me on a pedestal?  
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below  
So help me down, you've got it wrong  
I don't belong there

One thing is clear  
I wear a halo  
I wear a halo when you look at me  
But standing from here  
You wouldn't say so  
You wouldn't say so if you were me

And I… I just wanna love you  
Oh, oh I… I just wanna love you"

During the pause, thoughts began to flood into my mind. Thoughts of Tommy. But more importantly of John. I'm not too sure if John knows the real me. Does he know my favorite color? My favorite food? I can hardly remember if we even covered these topics. And I don't think I know his either. So as much as I want this relationship to work out. Is it headed towards love? Because right now I'm just not too sure.

"I always said that I would make mistakes  
I'm only human and that's my saving grace  
I fall as hard as I try  
So don't be blinded  
See me as I really am  
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin  
So pull me from that pedestal  
I don't belong there

One thing is clear  
I wear a halo  
I wear a halo when you look at me  
but standing from here  
you wouldn't say so  
you wouldn't say so if you were me

And I…I just wanna love you  
OOhh I…I just wanna love…you

Like to think that you know me  
But in your eyes  
I am something above you  
Its only in your mind  
Only in your mind

I wear  
I wear  
I wear a halo

One thing is clear  
I wear a halo  
I wear a halo when you look at me  
but standing from here  
you wouldn't say so  
you wouldn't say so if you were me  
I just wanna love you  
I just wanna love you  
(I just wanna love you)  
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo  
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo  
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo  
Heya Hey Hey Hey…Hey Hey Halo"

Once I finished, I looked over at Tommy through the class. I saw him nod but then he pressed the intercom," Sounds good, Jude. Now start over from the 2nd verse. And this time, with more power at the bridge," he commented.

I just nodded and waited for him to give me the que.

"I always said that I would make mistakes  
I'm only human and that's my saving grace  
I fall as hard as I try  
So don't be blinded  
See me as I really am  
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin  
So pull me from that pedestal  
I don't belong there

One thing is clear  
I wear a halo  
I wear a halo when you look at me  
but standing from here  
you wouldn't say so  
you wouldn't say so if you were me

And I…I just wanna love you  
OOhh I…I just wanna love…you…………….."

Song Credits: Bethany Joy Lenz Galeotti-Halo


	18. Chapter 18 Inconvenience

It was 5 o'clock when I finally received a call from Jp. He admitted that he was mad. But after apologizing over a hundred times. No scratch that, 200 hundred times. He forgave me. And we rescheduled our date for 9 p.m. While most guys won't stand for a girl rainchecking on an important date, he surprisingly understood. I feel lucky that I met John. He's unlike some of the other men in my life. Cough..Tommy.. Cough…

By the time 8:45 pm rolled around, I was primped and pretty for what I was hoping to be an amazing make up date. It was 8:55 when I heard the doorbell ring. _Hmmm he's early. _I smiled as I walked downstairs and opened the door.

"You're early," I smiled as he embraced me in a hug.

"Wanted to pick you up before Tommy makes you break another date," he joked. I just shook my head in reply as we parted.

"Well no signs of Tommy. So I think we're good," I smiled as I walked over to the coffee table and grabbed my bag.

"So what are we doing tonight?" I asked as I shut and locked the door behind me.

"Well there's an art exhibit that just opened yesterday. So I was thinking that maybe we could go to that. And I have a surprise after," John smiled.

"Sounds good to me," I nodded.

"Well let's not waste anymore time," he smiled as he opened the car door.

When we arrived at the art studio, there were a ton of limos and town cars parked outside. I had no idea that John was into art. And although I'm not the artsy type, I'm still one who appreciates a good painting. As we walked in, we were submerged in a room bouncing with color. Neon greens. Oranges. Hot pinks. There were paintings "Andy Warhol" inspired. Also sculpted pieces that I did not quite understand blotted the floor or the room. As John went off to mingle with a friend whom he realized was there, I wandered off to analyze the art. I stood in front of a piece made up of asymmetrical pieces of card board and colored pieces of glass. _And people call this art? I call this the trash I threw out last week. _I stood there for what felt like five minutes when the air beside me felt a little dense. As if someone was standing beside me. And as soon as I heard the voice, I knew I wasn't alone.

"Nice, isn't it?" chimed the familiar voice.

"No," I gritted my teeth before walking away.

"Oh come on. We have a lot of catching up to do," he followed.

Jude don't listen. Do not listen to a word he has to say.

"Hey. Where's the fire? Can we just talk?" he asked as he grabbed my arm.

I clutched my fingers into a fist. Every ounce of anger flowed down to my hands. Wanting. Needing to punch his lights out. I swung around facing him. Facing the man who tried to ruin my career. The man in my fuzzy nightmares.

"What do you want?" I asked in anger.

He then smiled and replied, "To talk. Hey maybe after this we can get a drink. How does that sound to you?"

I shook my head, "No I don't want to get a drink with you. I don't even want to talk to you. Leave me alone," I replied pulling my arm away.

"You didn't act like this the last time we talked. Matter of fact, you were game for everything I said," he grinned.

Boy, if I could just hit him right now. Would I give anything…

I felt my face turn red hot. As if my blood was boiling to 200 degrees. This was not the time or place for this. I was on a date with John. Where is he anyways? Especially when I can use him right now.

"Leave me alone," I grumbled as I attempted to walk again once more.

"Hey don't walk away from me," he said pulling my arm again. This time, more aggressively.

"Don't touch me!" I yelled as I turned around and slapped him on the face.

And although there was still music playing in the background, every voice in the art studio began to fade one by one. Oh boy.. Another headline for the tabloids.

He stood there in shock as everyone stared. I turned around as if nothing had happened and looked for John. As if God was listening, I saw John standing there with a group of men in their mid twenties. "C'mon. We need to leave," I said touching his arm.

"Oh why? Not having any fun?" he asked turning all of his attention towards me.

"None. Guess this art stuff just isn't my niche. Sorry," I shook my head.

"Alright then," he nodded without a question.

As we walked out, I tried to erase what had just happened from my mind. I didn't understand what he was talking about. What did I do? I know it has something to do with being "real". And from what I thought I remembered, I could've swore we did nothing. Now I'm just not so sure. I hate him. I really do.

"So, I'm guessing you're ready for the surprise then?" he smiled.

And just like that, every negative thought disappeared. For now, of course. "You know it," I managed a smile.

"You're going to love this," he smiled happy with himself for what he had planned for me.

Wonder what it is.


	19. Chapter 19 Surprise

I love how every problem seems to disappear when I'm with John. Well, almost all. I'm still working on that.

When John and I neared our destination, I found us driving down a dark road. With very few street lights, may I add. Should I be scared? I didn't know what to expect. But there was a part of me that could not wait to find out. I mean, I do love surprises. The good ones, at least.

"Are we almost there?" I asked.

"Almost. Stop being a kid. We'll get there when we get there," Jp joked.

I playfully rolled my eyes and replied, "But I'm so impatient." Emphasis on the "so" part.

"Hmm close your eyes," he then said.

"Why?" I asked with a laugh.

"Just do it," he smiled reaching over a hand and pushed down my eyelids.

"Well.. since you did it yourself. I guess I'll keep my eyes closed," I sighed.

I hummed lightly as I leaned my head back against the seat. Waiting for John to tell me to open my eyes once again. I could feel the car drive over what felt likes rocks. I could tell by how the car shook. Then we came to a sudden stop. Which kind of surprised me. Thought it was going to take forever to get to where he wanted us to go.

I could hear John get out of the car and felt him open my door. He reached over and unbuckled my seatbelt. "Keep your eyes closed," he said as he grabbed my hand and guided me out of the car. We didn't walk really far. Because after almost a minute of walking, he told me to stand there. "Ready?" he asked.

"As ready as I'm ever going to be," I smiled as I finally opened my eyes.

And I must say, this was one hell of a surprise. I found myself standing 10 feet from the edge of a cliff which overlooked the city. After how many years of living year, I don't understand why I've never been out here before. It's beautiful. This was something one can't find in a art studio. To experience beauty like this, was magical.

I looked to my right hoping to tell John how great of an idea this was but he wasn't there. "John?" I asked.

"Look to your left, Jude," I could his voice chime.

While I was busy adoring the wonderful view, it bought John time to set up a small picnic. With a lone candle lit. He was already sitting on the blanket he had spread out. I smiled as I walked over to where he had the picnic set up and took a seat across from him.

"Romantic,"I commented.

"I know," he smiled.

"So, what's on the menu?" I asked looking down at the food.

"Well we have some Caesar salad for an appetizer, pasta for the main course, and a decadent german chocolate cake. How does that sound to you?"he asked.

"Delicious," I smiled as I reached down for the container of my salad. "Did you make this all yourself?" I couldn't help but ask before putting a forkful of lettuce in my mouth.

"The salad, yes. Because, anyone can make a salad. Now I cheated with the pasta and the cake. They were bought from a restaurant," he smiled.

"Well I give you a two thumbs up on the salad," I said after I finished chewing.

"Thanks," he nodded as he helped himself to some of the salad.

"It's pretty out here. How'd you find out about this place?" I asked before eating some more.

"I hike out here sometimes. And came across this spot," he nodded before passing out a container of pasta towards me.

"Lucky. I've lived in this town all my life and this is the first time I've been here," I laughed.

"Guess you don't go out exploring too much," he shook his head.

"Guess not," I shrugged before taking a few bites of the pasta. I looked at the view once more as I finished it off.

"Hungry?" Jp joked.

I looked down at my empty container. Wow, I had no idea I was this hungry. "I'm not a pig. I promise," I smiled.

"It's okay," he smiled halfway done with this.

"If you want you can help yourself to the desser t already," he offered.

"Oh no. I think I can wait," I shook my head.

"Okay then, Jude," he nodded as he continued to eat his food.

As he finished his food, I could not help but look at the view once more. The city lights had me hypnotized. I felt like a moth to a light. Entranced. Fixated. It was truly an amazing view. As I looked out at the lights, I could not help but wonder about the people who populated this town. And couldn't help but think after seeing how much the city expanded I did not have a clue about what was in this town. Who knows what other unseen gems could be out there.

"Dessert time," John smiled.

"Mm chocolate," I smiled grabbing my plate. The first bite was hard to describe. I just love chocolate.

"Good, huh?"

"Amazing. This must be illegal," I joked.

John chuckled and nodded his head as he took a bite, "It is pretty good." I nodded as I ate some more of the german chocolate cake. Then I felt Johns eyes fixed on me.

"What?" I asked as I put down my plate.

"You have something on your face," he said.

"Oh I do?" I said as I started rubbing my right cheek.

"No, you're missing it," he chuckled as he reached over to wipe off the chocolate icing.

"Thanks," I laughed.

"No problem,"he nodded. "Hey Jude. I have something I've been meaning to tell you."

"What's that, John?"

"I.. love you," he said slowly to give the words meaning.

I just found myself smiling and giving him a short kiss on the lips.

The next few words surprised not only him but I found myself at shock. And regret.

"I love you too Tommy," I said. A millisecond after the words flew from my lips, I knew it was too late.

_Surprise._


	20. Chapter 20 It's Time To Break Up

Now I just wish I had access to a time machine. And warn myself to be careful what I say tonight. But my life just isn't that easy. So how do I fix this? As if John didn't find Tommy enough of a threat already. And now this. I honestly don't understand my mistake. I love you, Tommy? Why did I say that? I don't love him.. Do I?

Before I can gather my thoughts to say one word, John quietly got up from the blanket. He didn't look mad. Nor did he look sad. Then again, it was too dark to really tell. "John?" I asked quickly getting up to retract what I just said a few moments ago. He said nothing in reply. He just kept walking. Not towards the car but towards the edge. He stood there for a moment with his arms crossed across his chest.

I silently stood there behind him. Hoping he'd say something. Anything. I kicked at the dirt idly waiting. I wasn't too sure if I should break the silence. He had to be angry. I would not blame him one bit if he was. I was willing to stand there and let him speak heatedly to me. As long as he said something. As long as I knew what he was feeling or thinking. Not knowing what's going on is worse than having an argument.

As if he heard my thoughts, he finally uttered a few words. His voice was nearly inaudible. And if I had been a few more feet away, I probably would not have heard him say it. "You care about him, don't you?" he asked.

I stood there dumbstruck. _Was I that obvious?_ I took a few steps towards him before responding. He turned towards me once he heard the sound of my feet move towards him. Now I can see the look on his face. Disappointment.

"I'm not going to lie to you anymore John," I admitted. I think, before today, I knew that sometime the truth would come out somehow. I stood beside him looking out in the distance. I hesitated to find the right words before continuing.

"I care about him," I confessed. "But not the same way I did before I met you. It's different now. I swear."

"I know it's more than that. Every time I've seen you with him. I could tell there's something there. I wasn't too sure about it before. But now, now I know," he shook his head in defeat.

_Something there? I understand that that Tommy and I have history together. But.. there's nothing there anymore. Or so I think._

"What are you talking about?" I asked with my face just as puzzled as my voice sounded.

"Jude.. You don't have to lie to me," he shook his head. Baring himself to look at me.

"I'm not lying. There's nothing there. Not anymore," I said. " He broke my heart. And I didn't expect him to come back. And now, I don't know," I then added with a sigh.

"I don't know if I can be with you. Not when you're not over him."

_I guess I'm not really over Little Tommy Q. I thought I was. I thought John made all my feelings for Tommy disappear. Why'd he have to come back? I was starting to get really good at ignoring my feelings. I was starting to finally be happy again._

I couldn't say anymore. I just stood there staring at the city below. Speechless. Confused and thinking about things. Thinking about John and I. Tommy and I.

"Let me take you home now," John finally said breaking the silence.

"Sure," I nodded.

He nodded walking back over to the small picnic he set up and started picking everything up. I followed behind him and helped him pick up a few containers. After we finished, we got in the car and headed towards my house. We didn't speak a word to each other the whole way home. We just sat there in awkward silence. Obviously replaying the night over in our heads. Once we reached the front of my house, I got out of the car with a slight whisper of "Goodbye". He mumbled something and nodded his head.

_Guess it's true what they say. Breaking up is never easy._


	21. Chapter 21 Come Around

Song credits to Rosi Golan for the song Come Around.

Sleep didn't seem to be in the cards for me tonight. My mind was racked with way too many thoughts that getting some shut eye seemed impossible. I sighed to myself as I leaned over the bed stand to take my journal out of the first drawer.

_Dear journal,_

_My date with John was horrible. So much for making things up to him. Not only did I say I love you Tommy but we basically broke up. Story of my life. It's just one big heartbreak. I care about John. A lot. I understand that what I did, he didn't deserve. But it was a mistake. At least, I think it was. I'm confused. I guess I still do care about Tommy. But.. what's the point? He's just going to hurt me all over again. Hell, I don't even know how he feels about me anymore. Ahhh! I guess I can't lie anymore. It's just going to make things worse. I think I still love Tommy._

"So high tonight and I don't feel like coming down I could lie to you all my days but you're the one You're the one And I'm a fool for waiting so long to let you know"

_I am a fool. I hurt a great guy because my heart wouldn't let go of Tommy. _

"Come around

Come around

Come around

Come around to me

There's something in between you and I

Come around

Come around to me

If you feel like breathing come around

Come around

Come around

Come around to me"

_I'm also a fool for hoping that someday Tommy will tell me that he feels exactly the same way that I do_.

"Like sunlight won't you come and lay a ray down

You're the one

I could run

I could run for the life of me but where would that get me

Where would that lead

And I'm a fool for waiting so long

Please come around

Come around

Come around

Come around to me

There's something in between you and I

Come around

Come around to me

Oh If you feel like breathing come around

Come around

Come around

Come around to me

Can't you see you're my life line

Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah"

_At least there's one perk from getting a broken heart. It gives you great inspiration to write killer music._

I opened my eyes as I finished the chorus. I could see Kwest and Tommy looking at me through the class. A moment later, I could hear Tommy's voice over the intercom "That was good. Take five," he smiled as he leaned over the sound board.

I nodded while taking off my headphones. Then I adjusted the music sheets before heading out of the sound booth. I walked over to the staff kitchen and pulled a water bottle out of the fridge. Leaning against the island counter I took a sip and looked around. From the corner of my eye, I could see Tommy heading towards me. _Great.. Just what I need right now_.

"You wrote some good stuff while I was gone," he commented as he grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator too.

_Yeah inspiration seems to flow easily when your heart is crushed into a million pieces._

"Yeah thanks," I replied before taking another sip.

"So how did you 'hot date' go?" Tommy asked which made me nearly spit out water from surprise.

"Umm it.. went."

I sighed, "It went bad. We actually kinda.. sorta.. maybe.. broke up."

"You did?" he asked. The corners of his mouth slowly curved upward into a smirk. "I mean, are you okay?" he then asked coolly. I couldn't help but raise my eyebrows to this.

"Yeah. I guess you can say that I'm alright. Another break up. It's not the end of the world," I rolled my eyes.

"I guess it'd be inappropriate to ask if you wrote a hit song about it yet, huh?"

"Low blow Tommy Quincy. Low blow," I smiled shaking my head and lightly punching him in the arm.

"What can I say? You write great songs from the heart, girl," he smiled.

Darius walked past us and didn't fail to quip with a, "I'm not paying you to hang out people." He headed past us towards the SME guys who were sword fighting with mops and brooms from the janitors closet.

Tommy playfully mocked him. Fortunately for him, Darius had his back turned and didn't see it. It would've been disastrous of he did. I couldn't resist giggling but Darius was right. My five minute break was up. And it was time to hit studio A once again. The last time I wasted "precious studio time", D did not fail to pay me with a lame lecture about how "time is money". I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the thought as I put the top on the water bottle and headed towards my sanctuary. Just before I enter, I can hear Darius start a rant on SME. With a light laugh, I re-entered the sound booth and adjusted the headphones on my head.

I guess I can't be mad at Darius for wanting us to work hard on our music. This stuff is no joke. And if you don't play around, it can really pay off. But I don't think that will stop us from making fun of him from time to time. Darius is one serious guy and needs to relax sometime. But I am thankful for the chance to share my music. I know it's not something that everybody gets a chance to do. I might disagree with Tommy about a lot of things. But there was one thing he was right about. Most of us go to our graves with the music still in our hearts. And I was one of the lucky ones who were able to not fall into that category.

"Come around

Come around

Come around

Come around to me

There's something in between you and I

Come around

Come around to me

If you feel like breathing come around

Come around

Come around

Come around to me"

_Call me a dreamer. But on good days, I start to wonder if maybe there is a chance for Tommy and I._


End file.
